Sunday, May 10, 2009

12 miles

I have a chronic condition.
It is called "Never able to appreciate one's own accomplishments without comparing self to others and feeling inadequate and stupid". I mean see how long the name of the condition is? It's got to be bad with that long of a name.

I ran - well jogged, plodded, and walked might be better verbs here - 12 miles for the first time yesterday. I waved at several other runners and walkers. I smiled and nodded at 3 white bearded Sikh gentlemen. I marveled at Mt. Rainier. I fell, scratched up my hands and knee, got up and kept going. I tried not to cry after that. 5 minutes later I cried. I walked backward up some inclines. I watched the sun come then hide behind clouds then come again. I finished the 12 miles that were my goal for the day and was still not satisfied. Because even though my goal is to simply finish this 1/2 marathon, it drives me nuts when I look at my average speed and see how painfully slow I am. But what frustrates me most is not the slowness but my inability or unwillingness to accept that I'm not a natural runner nor am I training hard in enough to see times that would seem respectable to me. And "respectable" of course means what this or that other person can do and therefore what I "should" be able to do. My own goal becomes worthless.

There is a woman slower than I am. I have seen her often as I chug along. A beautiful ebony woman in colorful skirts. And she sings as she walks slowly along. She sings - hears angel songs - songs obscured by my own heart pounding in my head. She sings and smiles to herself and doesn't fear - or sings the fear away.

Oh how I wish I could embrace that goal. To know the joy of going her speed.


Elle J said...

12 Miles! Perhaps you are talking a competitive comparison, but you have me beat by a long shot! I say, "Congrats on 12!!!"

Libby said...

You'll be fine. When you come to the place where you learn to accept yourself as an individual and not how you compare with others, you will be able to enjoy your accomplishments even more. When your running goal shifts from "completing the mileage" to "speed", then you will motivate yourself even more to train harder so that you meet the other goal.

12 miles is a lot. Be proud!

BTW, I'm glad I stumbled across your blog through Ravelry. You've got amazing talent!!!